As this is just for me right now…

I’m finding it hard to deal with finding out people are pregnant or having babies.
I’m actually having to stop things showing up on my news feed now and whenever I’m invited to things by my friends I have to prepare myself in case they tell me they’re pregnant otherwise I honestly can’t guarantee how I will react.

Now someone who was at uni (and hasn’t been with the guy for long!) is pregnant. How is that fair?
I’ve been with Jonny for years and trying for months and its not working.

Its almost harder that family don’t know.  I wonder if it would help me of they knew, but then would I get asked if I’m pregnant more frequently than I do already?!

Then I wonder if I’ve done damage to my body with my life experiences – is there something going on that I don’t know about?!

This month I need to be 1 whole day late before I test, even if I have a triphasic chart.  There’s nothing worse than seeing just 1 line on a pregnancy test. ‘YOU ARE A FAILURE. TRY AGAIN!’

Here we go…

So another month is here. I’m going to try and relax as far as possible and try not to think about it.
There are babies and pregnant people all around me and its so hard to stay positive.

I need to remember that there are people who would love to be able to try for a baby, to be in my shoes. Even though its hard.

I’m sure it’ll happen eventually. My body seems to be doing everything right.

On another note, I have just one more day at work until Christmas. I’m very ready for a break.

Ok I get the point.

Thanks for rubbing salt into the wound body.

Had a perfect triphasic chart and had all sorts of symptoms. I had even more delayed ovulation due to antibiotics but I thought maybe it would be my month as my body would’ve been too busy fighting infection to fight implantation.

But no. Here comes my period and oh, what’s that on my face? A FUCKING COLD SORE. For real?

Jeeez. I didn’t even think I was stressed. Did I cause it yesterday, panicking about buying pregnancy tests in Superdrug?

Shit.

Trying for a baby is the most soul crushing thing. Every month I get to tell Jonny that my body is crap which is exactly as I feared.

Could it be a self-fulfilling prophecy? I try not to be negative. Really. This month I wasn’t at all – I was convinced we could do it, being as it was month 6 of trying – but only 3 cycles. I suppose it’s 12 cycles before you can get help.

Seems like a recurring feeling

Once again I was convinced it was my month. Temps raised a bit earlier than expected but thought maybe I might have a standard 28-30 day cycle. Had what I suspected to be implantation bleeding, generally felt ‘different’.

Turns out it was just a uti and antibiotics delaying ovulation, raising my temps and giving me some mid-cycle bleeding.

So now I’m on a long wait and I’ve basically had an extra half a cycle.

I’m just getting so frustrated. I’ve tried not to think about it too much but then it means I forget things and doesn’t seem like I’m trying.

I’m so ready. This is just the hardest thing. How do people try for years and years? After 6 months I’m starting to get beyond frustrated.