4 weeks and 1 day..

So here we are.  2 days of being pregnant :O

That’s pretty ridiculous.

I’m finding it hard not to get carried away – and I know Jonny is too.  I’m sitting here, looking at strollers and car seats on Which.  I nearly bought a baby blanket earlier but stopped myself.  I don’t have the money to just buy things.  I need to make sure I’m buying essentials.

12 weeks seems like such a long way away, but I know it isn’t really.  I’m just.. as I’m a natural worrier, I kinda need proof.  Seeing 2 tests saying I’m pregnant is all very well but until I can see/feel baby in there, I’m not going to believe it.

We’re going to tell our parents and siblings on Monday.  I’m struggling to keep it from them now.  I know it’s something for Jonny and I to enjoy but I think we’ll both explode if we hide it until 12 weeks.  I think it’ll be easier for us to share our excitement a bit.

He’s also seemingly finding it difficult to understand that aside from close family, no-one else will be told until a lot closer to 12 weeks (unless we have to say something sooner).  I think I need his mom to get on board with that.  I’m just so worried he’s going to tell people and then we’ll lose baby.  If he can hold out until 8 weeks that would be good… by then we should have more certainty.  I bought him a book.  I’m hoping it will answer a lot of his questions and stop him getting so excited about it.

Interestingly, I think I have a sort of morning sickness already.  In the morning my stomach feels really uneasy and it happens again in the evenings.  I think it’s starting to creep back now (have a funny taste in the back of my throat).  I’m also wondering if I have my first craving.  Last night we had pizza and I swear it was the most amazing thing i’ve eaten in a long while.  Nothing else seems to be close.  Eating crisps and sandwiches is so difficult.

I’m trying to stay healthy – limiting myself to 2 cups of tea (so thats about 150mg of caffeine a day), then if I need an extra one for any reason, I won’t be way over my limit.  I also really need to try and eat more fruit and veg – I’m taking vitamins though and have ordered some pregnancy ones too so hopefully my body will be covered.  My main aim is to drink more water.  Usually I live off of tea and milk when i’m home, but I’m trying to do more water today (so far, 1 glass drunk, aiming for one more today)

I will start swimming again regularly after I’ve told mum (I think if she and i were swimming up and down alone for a while I would struggle not to tell her).

So that’s me.  I definitely feel different.  Less cramps today which is good (yesterday evening was killer).

Holy crap

Today is the day. I was starting to wonder if I would ever see it. Today I saw that special blue cross.

At the moment my head is all over the place, though I’m processing I think.

Got a few more tests to take to see if it is real. Will wait until Thursday though. I need to focus on catching up at work tomorrow.

The plan is to tell family on bank holiday Monday. It’s early but there’s no way I can hide it from them. Its as important to them as it is to us.

I’ve bought a book and some more vitamins. I need to look after myself now. Definitely need to start swimming (maybe start next week when mum knows).

This is crazy. I really was thinking it would never happen to me. I’m trying to keep calm about it. It is very early days.

2 years of married bliss?

Jonny and I are approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary.

It feels like we’ve definitely been challenged so far. On our first wedding anniversary, I wrote something in his card to the effect of, it hasn’t been easy but we came out the other side stronger… and my mum was quite shocked by that I think.

In our first year, we both lost a grandparent, I lost a very close family friend (who was basically another grandmother to me) and Jonny lost one of his best friends.

It wasn’t easy.  But we came out the other side.  And I think it made us stronger (although didn’t feel like it at the time).  We both deal with grief in very different ways.  We both lock it away from each other but he was able to console himself over his friends death, with his friends.  Which I can understand. Whereas I literally just lock it away… then end up crying to myself in the shower.

In our 2nd year of marriage, we’ve been challenged with trying for a baby which is so far, unsuccessful. But again, this will make us stronger.

Does anyone have an ‘easy’ year?  I certainly don’t remember life being this challenging before I got married and I suppose, before life got in the way.

But we are lucky.  We have each other to weather the storm and come out the other side.

I’m always surprised by how many people get divorced at a young age – is it that they didn’t know the person, or did the challenges of life simply get in the way of the marriage?

I’m a firm believer of what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger – even if it is impossible to see at the time.  If you come out the other side (and 9 times out of 10, you do), you find a kind of bliss.

Today is a bad day

I want to either sit and cry, or just be numb.

Another pregnancy announcement from a couple who have been married 6 months and are living with his parents.

Every announcement is making it incrementally harder to be happy.

I feel like I’m failing as a woman, even though I don’t know that its an issue on my side.

I am sad and don’t really want to talk to anyone else about it as how I’m feeling won’t come across right.

Its tragic but I’m not used to failing.  I’m used to doing OK and one of the most standard, human things to succeed at, I’m tragically failing.

So now I’ve poured my heart out, I’m going to keep listening to music and hope I’ll find something to lift my spirits. Then I’ll smile and say to myself “everything’s gonna be alright” and on with my day.

No-one else needs to know.

Moving on

So I’ve decided this isn’t going to rule my life

For a year I’ve barely drunk, carefully checked my calorific intake for the day to make sure I’m eating enough, attempted to eat healthier, bought expensive fertility monitors… All sorts.

That hasn’t worked so I’m just going to be me. Focusing on myself.

I’m going to drink what I want, when I want.

I’m going to eat exactly what I want.

I’m dyeing my hair, using nail varnish and remover.

I’m still trying to improve myself more generally just not wholly baby-wise as its just stressing me out.

We’re almost at a year of trying. If we’re not pregnant by June we’ll be going to the doctors to get checked out. All the tax I’ve paid towards the NHS will come in useful.
I’m making plans for the future that, if we end up pregnant, may need to be changed. But if they do, then they do.

16 and pregnant

Sometimes I wonder why I watch programmes like 16 and pregnant, and Teen Mom.

As much as it hurts (teens who forget to use protection once and fall pregnant), I use it as an educational tool. If teens with limited life experience can be a mother, I most definitely can.

It also helps me figure out the type of mum I want to be. I want my family involved in my children’s lives.  I want them to be able to talk to me about everything and anything.

More than that, I want to be able to give them everything and I know I will work hard for that.

Now it’s just a matter of waiting until my dream can come true.