Family golf day

Today has been fantastic (if rather tiring!).

We had our family golf day which is where mostly the men play golf and the women sit, drink and chat (and I ‘play’ photographer).
And it was lovely.

It gave me a complete day away from this pity party of one and focus on something else.

I also had the realisation that our baby wasn’t just ours. It was our parents’, our siblings’ and our close family friends’.  Sure they don’t feel the constant pain but they do share in our sadness.

I would do anything to shelter them from the pain or make them happy.

I want to feel this happy each day and not worry about the sadness of seeing pregnant women on TV or hear people talk about babies.

My triggers

It may seem like I’m obsessing over my early miscarriage but I honestly can’t shift it.  I’m also going with the ‘I’m fine’ response to anyone that asks.

I have the obvious sadness triggers – baby ads, people having babies, etc…the usual things that anybody wanting to be a parents is hit with.

But my current trigger is…… working from home.

Yes that wonderful perk of my employment has now become my mortal enemy.  Every time I log on and do some work, my mind wanders.

It wanders to the place where, just over 3 weeks ago, I was sitting in exactly the same place that I am now, thinking “hmm… something feels different”. So I take a test.  Negative.  Instantly I opened up the ttc forums that I used to frequent “help, anyone ever had this…”

Working from home will forever be associated with the time that I found out that our much wanted baby said bye bye for  the first time.

It’s sad because I used to enjoy working from home so much.  Now it almost fills me with dread.  If it wasn’t for my beloved kitty I think I would be in floods of tears at my laptop right now.

Turning 29

Truth be hold, I was not looking forward to my birthday this year. Losing 1st baby has hit me hard and hanging out with a load of people so close to it, drinking alcohol just wasn’t great.  Especially as we had said we would get an early scan done on my birthday (would’ve been 7w+6).

Right now I struggle to not tell people what I’ve been through as I feel I need to excuse myself if I’m not acting as my usual self (although, to be honest, I doubt its that obvious).  But in actual fact its been a blessing in disguise.

Its made me move on a bit more. People don’t need to know my heart ache. I’m not going to bring others down.

My Eurovision birthday party also proved me with another ‘reason’ to be positive. A friend’s friend was having trouble conceiving (had no whisper of a pregnancy) so went to doctors. Had a number of tests done and the poor girl was faced with “um. Genetically you’re a guy” (I’m sure the Dr put it in a better way, I’m just paraphrasing). She had all the usual girl bits on the outside, but the wrong chromosome so her womb has never developed – it was teeny tiny. I just do not know how she coped with that.  Anyhow, she was given some drugs to expand her womb and was actually able to carry a baby… Twins in actual fact. She had to use a donor egg but she carried them.

It is just such an inspirational story that even if your body hasn’t cooperated there are often ways that you can have a baby.

The thought of seeing a doctor in a few weeks is utterly petrifying BUT that story gives me hope.

Hulk-smash my heart

Everything was going swimmingly.

Until a conversation at work turned to babies – how tired you get, how much hard work it is, how rewarding it is…

I went and sat on the toilet for ages to just take myself away from the situation but now its going round and round in my head.

Totally hulk-smashed my heart in one massive punch.

But we must put on a happy face.

A good day

Today is the first day since losing baby 1 that I’ve sung to myself.  This is usually a pretty normal occurrence – I normally hum to myself in the shower, sing a little whilst cleaning, sing to Bruce.. etc.  But I haven’t been doing that.  Today I did.  And I didn’t even think about it – it just happened.

So I know I’m getting there now.  Also helps that Bruce just definitely told me I’m an excellent mummy with all the nose rubs and cuddles I got in the kitchen.

I also know I’m not so ‘down’ about the whole thing – I’m being more positive.  I’m still trying to eat healthy and reduce my caffeine intake.  working at home normally meant tea after tea.. so far I’ve just had my normal morning cuppa, and now I’m on horlicks as felt the need for a warm drink.

In other news, one of my closest friends has been told she’ll be discharged from hospital next week – things are looking up.

A new kind of sadness

Hubby and I are definitely moving on a bit now. I think we are both ready to try again (more due to the fact we are desperately ready to be parents).
But I’m hit with a new kind of sadness.  The ‘always there’ sadness has gone, only to be replaced with the ‘creeping up upon you when you least expect it’ kind.
The kind when you’re feeling OK and your mind drifts and BAM there it is.

Or the kind where you’ve been busy all day so stop for a break and BAM.

Or the kind where you’re tidying up and find some pregnancy tests in their box… BAM.

I’m not sure which kind of sadness was easier to deal with.

Oh yeah p.s. I really miss the amazing feeling of being pregnant 😦 that was the best and most full of life that I ever recall feeling.

Hubby’s confession

It took a while but finally, last night, he was honest with me.

He’d been working from home this week – I thought simply because he didn’t want to go in.  But he finally confessed.  He didn’t want to be confronted with people asking how his weekend was, and if he was feeling better.

I think his grief was delayed as he stayed so strong for me last Thursday (wow… a week ago).  So now because he didn’t deal with it immediately, it’s hanging around for longer.

I dusted myself off and faced the music but because I did it quickly, it wasn’t so hard.  Like a plaster – just rip it off.  The longer you hang onto it, the more it hurts.  Because he’s been at home a few days, people will inevitably ask how he is.

My heartbreak has been brought to the fore today.  I was due to attend a colleague’s afternoon tea baby shower.  I simply cannot bring myself to go, as much as I would like to.  She’s a lovely girl and I’m really happy for her.  I just can’t put myself in that situation right now.  Everything is far too raw and if I went I would feel guilty if I didn’t enjoy myself.  It’s just better to avoid the situation right now.

I hope we do fall again, quickly.  It will help heal our broken hearts at least a little bit.  But like another blog I’ve read recently, we’ll never forget – it will just become a little easier to function.

Moving on?

It’s been almost a week since my heart shattered.  It seems crazy to think that ‘something’ you’ve never met, nor really felt can leave you so distraught.

But, as they say, life goes on.  In the time since I miscarried, I’ve mainly been at home, luckily.  My job allows me to work from home which actually has been so needed.  I think i needed time to be by myself, but doing ‘something’.  Sunday was the first time I’ve been with others that didn’t know about my pregnancy and subsequent loss.  It was hard.  Especially when people say “we need someone to have a baby” and then other people at the party turning up with their baby.    If  they can do it, why can’t I?  But then I told myself, I don’t know what they went through to have that child – for all I know, they’ve been through exactly what I have – I just don’t know that.

I think my body is almost done with miscarrying (sorry – TMI!).  Am I ready to potentially go through this again?  I know if I do fall pregnant again I am going to be petrified of testing.  Scared of seeing ‘pregnant’ and then the heartbreak of not knowing it’s not going to last.

I’m known for stressing… how am I going to be calm enough in those first few weeks?  I honestly think I will be waiting until I’m a few weeks late before testing.

One thing that did come out of it, is that hubby has learnt that we shouldn’t tell people too early. He was wanting to tell his friends as soon as possible – but even he has said that we will wait a while longer before telling family next time, and friends will definitely only be told at the 12 week scan.  I am even thinking now that I won’t make it public on Facebook.  That would simply be too painful to be reminded of it all of the time.

Another good thing I suppose, is that my body is able to fall pregnant.  At least we know for sure that both hubby and I function properly in terms of that… we just have to hope that the next stage is ok too, we just got unlucky this time.

The annoying thing is, that we’re approaching 1 year.  We’ll be looking to see a doctor in June to discuss next steps. That scares me too – what if they find something wrong?

I of all people shouldnt be thinking along those lines – my parents tried for 6 years before I came along.  And all the tests they did, nothing showed up ‘wrong’ – it was just unexplained infertility.

I hope now that my body knows what to do to fall pregnant, it will happen quickly.  Normally I have a lot of patience.  But not for this.  I wish I could just tap into my body and say “right, ok, ready” and we’d be off but unfortunately it doesnt work like that.

What I do know, is that if we do get lucky enough to have children, I will be a wreck.  I definitely need to find some coping mechanisms to prevent stressing.

One week

Being pregnant for one week was perhaps one of the best weeks of my life.

I felt like a woman for the first time ever. I was with child.

I was happy.
I had energy (although tired in evenings).
I had rosy cheeks.
I was confident.

And now this. The complete opposite.

I can’t wait to fall pregnant again. I hope we are lucky and baby stays with us next time. I can’t go through this agai n.

My kitty saviour

Its times like these I’m so pleased that we have our kitty, Bruce.  These past few days have been difficult and understandably both Jonny and I have been quiet.

Bruce has made us laugh, talk, and generally distract us from what we’ve been going through.  I initially wanted a dog but we wouldn’t have been home enough. I wanted a dog to talk to and relax with.  Who knew a Siberian cat would do all that, and more?!