Moving on?

It’s been almost a week since my heart shattered.  It seems crazy to think that ‘something’ you’ve never met, nor really felt can leave you so distraught.

But, as they say, life goes on.  In the time since I miscarried, I’ve mainly been at home, luckily.  My job allows me to work from home which actually has been so needed.  I think i needed time to be by myself, but doing ‘something’.  Sunday was the first time I’ve been with others that didn’t know about my pregnancy and subsequent loss.  It was hard.  Especially when people say “we need someone to have a baby” and then other people at the party turning up with their baby.    If  they can do it, why can’t I?  But then I told myself, I don’t know what they went through to have that child – for all I know, they’ve been through exactly what I have – I just don’t know that.

I think my body is almost done with miscarrying (sorry – TMI!).  Am I ready to potentially go through this again?  I know if I do fall pregnant again I am going to be petrified of testing.  Scared of seeing ‘pregnant’ and then the heartbreak of not knowing it’s not going to last.

I’m known for stressing… how am I going to be calm enough in those first few weeks?  I honestly think I will be waiting until I’m a few weeks late before testing.

One thing that did come out of it, is that hubby has learnt that we shouldn’t tell people too early. He was wanting to tell his friends as soon as possible – but even he has said that we will wait a while longer before telling family next time, and friends will definitely only be told at the 12 week scan.  I am even thinking now that I won’t make it public on Facebook.  That would simply be too painful to be reminded of it all of the time.

Another good thing I suppose, is that my body is able to fall pregnant.  At least we know for sure that both hubby and I function properly in terms of that… we just have to hope that the next stage is ok too, we just got unlucky this time.

The annoying thing is, that we’re approaching 1 year.  We’ll be looking to see a doctor in June to discuss next steps. That scares me too – what if they find something wrong?

I of all people shouldnt be thinking along those lines – my parents tried for 6 years before I came along.  And all the tests they did, nothing showed up ‘wrong’ – it was just unexplained infertility.

I hope now that my body knows what to do to fall pregnant, it will happen quickly.  Normally I have a lot of patience.  But not for this.  I wish I could just tap into my body and say “right, ok, ready” and we’d be off but unfortunately it doesnt work like that.

What I do know, is that if we do get lucky enough to have children, I will be a wreck.  I definitely need to find some coping mechanisms to prevent stressing.


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