Family struggles

So today I had a crappy day but still went out to a friends birthday.
Driving home I tell hubby I don’t feel well – normally I would have been asleep for 3 hours at this time so I’m shattered as well as feeling nauseous.

He decides this is a good time to start an argument about why I don’t agree with him going off camping with his friends for a week when baby is here.

This then somehow led to him arguing we have nothing in common.

And then him deciding he’s been feeling neglected.  Despite the fact that I’m the one doing the vast majority of stuff in this house whilst feeling like shit and hes heading off camping with his friends despite me feeling vulnerable.

I raised this with him previously but he just doesn’t get it.  He wanted to go. So he will.

Is this going to be a bandaid baby, or will it make him grow up enough to realise he can’t disappear with his friends for a week ‘just cos’ when he has a kid (although having a wife, house and cat has never stopped him before).

I feel like I should be crying but I’m not as I don’t feel I’m in the wrong.

My parents had very little common interests but they always seem like the happiest couple.  Opposites  attract.
Apparently hubby wants me to be attached to him with the same interests (although that would drive us both nuts).

Whatever.  I hope for him it was the alcohol speaking and he’ll realise how selfish he’s been in the morning. Probably not. He’s as stubborn as an ass.

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Struggle

9w+2 days and I’ve had my booking in appointment with the midwife which took 2 hours.

Morning sickness is kicking my arse now. Got worse from week 8 and I’m so tired I’m struggling to function.

Hubby is feeling neglected apparently but I just don’t have the energy and he doesn’t get it.

We want a baby more than anything but  starting to resent feeling like this.
I just want to function normally. I’m so hopeful that the morning sickness goes soon.

I think I’m struggling more because I can’t eat as much as usual.  I’ve always felt my moods etc are affected by when I’ve eaten so this is proving really difficult.

To add insult to injury, I now have a cold sore appearing.  Last time I was pregnant a cold sore appeared a handful of days before I miscarried.  As if I wasn’t worrying enough already, this has multiplied it ten-fold.

8w+2

So we got to 8 weeks and had our early scan.

I know it doesn’t mean we’re totally in the clear but having seen our little croissant and the heart beating has really relaxed me about the whole thing.

Sickness isn’t fun but I’m pleased to see its ugly head. At least I know I’m reacting to the hormone levels.

Onwards and upwards

7w+3

Last week went quickly.  I had my first proper morning sickness.

Today it all seems to have eased off – apart from a horrendous headache.

I am worried that it’s all falling apart again but trying to stay positive as it seems its a normal thing for symptoms to fluctuate on a day-to-day basis.

Only a few more days until our early scan and I’m starting to pretty much poop myself.
At the moment I can’t believe I’m pregnant.  I need to see a heartbeat.  At the same time I’m utterly petrified that a/there’s nothing there or b/there’s no heartbeat.

I think I’m going to struggle to believe this until I have a baby in my arms.

Just to add insult to my paranoia, an old school friend has announced her 2nd pregnancy (baby no.1 was born only 9 months ago). She’s had hers AND fallen pregnant again in the time we’ve lost one and waiting to see this one.

I don’t know how people can share just private things on Facebook.  I guess they’re lucky to have not had their heartbroken before.

Another milestone

Today I completed my midwife booking in form. I did another test on saturday morning (which was stronger than the others) before I dared fill it in.

So paranoid about jinxing it all.

I also booked an early scan for when I’m 8 weeks. The deposit was only £30 so if the worst should happen, I really won’t be worried about that money.

Sitting in bed I’m suddenly super sad.  After we tell our parents and siblings, the next person I would have told would have been Pam. She would have known everything.
I don’t know if its my hormones but I’m struggling to hold back tears.  There’s so many things I’ve wanted to share with her.  I know my mum would have talked to her about our previous loss too.

I think that weighed heavy in my mum’s mind. She is so worried that all of the tests and injections she had when trying for me may have affected me in some way, that it brought all of those concerns to the front of her mind again.

I do worry about my mum. I also don’t want to disappoint her.  We’re definitely keeping this as a secret if we can until we’ve been for the early scan.