One year on.

A year ago today I did my first pregnancy test and it was positive. 11 months into trying for a baby.

But that little bean didn’t stick around.  It said  bye bye at just over 5 weeks.

Today that little lost bean has been on my mind a lot.  I can remember as clear as day the feeling of taking that test, seeing it say positive and working my way down the stairs to tell hubby the news whilst he was setting up his new TV.  I can remember the look on his face when the news started to sink in, and the tears that started falling.
I remember we sat on the sofa for quite a while just digesting the news.  We were pregnant and we’re going to be parents.

I remember not being able to eat the dinner I had made (minced pork hotpot).

What saddens me is that I can’t remember so clearly the test I did when I fell pregnant with Theodore.

I’m glad I have him here and have been distracted with him today (8 week injections) otherwise today would have been a very sad day.  Hubby doesn’t seem to have any recollection of the importance of today even when I told him his TV is 1 today.

7 weeks and 2 days old

Today I experienced my first meltdown.

I’m actually surprised I got this far as I’m putting on a strong face but inside I’m really struggling.  I don’t feel like I am doing the right things for Theodore and that just generally I’m an awful mum.

I’m not sure why my confidence in myself is at an all time low.
But today I cried because Theodore was crying.

I’ve just asked hubby to come home from the pub but I don’t know if he will.

Today I am struggling to cope even though Theodore isn’t being totally awful.  I just feel terrible and my confidence has taken a battering.  For some reason I’ve also been feeling really sick and I desperately need some help.

Abandoned

We’re approaching the 6 week mark and I’m feeling increasingly abandoned by the hubby.

So far he’s seen his best friend pretty much every Thursday night since Theodore has been born and has been to the pub a couple of times.

When working from home he’s preferred to spend his breaks working on his bicycle rather than helping look after his child.

So far the only time off I’ve had is when hubby has taken Theodore out for a walk, or when my parents have had him whilst I’ve been at the dentist.  We had a rare evening together when we went to the cinema.

I’ve not managed to go to book club (happens once a month), or go to my friend’s 30th birthday party.

Then hubby decides he wants to use bank holiday weekend to meet his friend in Scotland Saturday and come home on Tuesday (using annual leave for the Tuesday) and then he was due to go to a conference in Liverpool Wednesday to Friday.

He maintains he asked me if it would be ok for him to go to Scotland… the only thing I remember hearing was a question about how I would feel going to Scotland with Theodore (my answer was ‘no’).

I don’t think he understands that having a child means you have to make sacrifices.  He can’t always do what he wants to do.  And he needs to check with me before planning something.

I’m frustrated and sad.  Why should I have to ask him to stay home and make sacrifices, he should want to be here and spend time with his son?