This past week

In a week, we found out that we’re having another boy.  I will be the mum of two boys, with a 15 month age gap.  I foresee fights and squabbling in the future.

My sister had her baby.  Two weeks early but beautiful.  Harry. Three boys in the family in 15 months.  It’s definitely a bit of a culture shock when it was just my sister and I growing up.

And then my boy has suddenly discovered he can crawl, say mama (normally when food is around – so I’m associated with food.  Good or bad thing?!), stand by himself, take a few steps by himself and say cat.  How did that happen!??

I’ve also finalised my return to work date and organised Theodore’s introduction sessions at daycare.  

What a crazy week!!!!


Approaching one year

Theodore is 6 or so weeks away from turning one.  I can’t believe how fast the time has gone, and how much development he has done in the last month.  It’s quite frankly amazing.

We’re also half way through pregnancy with baby 2.  Which has also gone crazily fast.

I’m now starting to worry how I will cope with 2 babies with a 15 month age gap.  I almost wish I could have more time with just me and my boy. 

And worrying about the fact that hubby does not want to give up his own social time now – let alone when we have two.  I hope baby 2 is relatively easy else I am really going to struggle.

I’ll be going back to work for about 6 weeks between maternity leave which is laughable but I definitely could do with the money.  I’m wondering if I’ll be able to afford to take a year off with baby 2 but we’ll have to see how our year goes as we definitely need to move house.

This little house is most definitely full – with 2 adults, 1 baby and a cat. 

Pelvic floor, second time around

At 17 weeks pregnant, my pelvic floor is already dead.  Kaput. May as well not exist.

I figured it might weaken but I didn’t think it would be THIS bad already.

Time to get on the pelvic floor exercises regularly to limit the permanent damage.

I’ll definitely get back to pilates again  as soon  as this one has been born.  I’m sure it’s the only way mine recovered this time. 

Life’s too short

A close friend of mine has just found out her dad has cancer.  She is a fair bit younger than me, and her dad is a lot younger than mine.

It’s really made me realise how short life is and how much I need to appreciate it. Both of my parents are in their 60s. My grandad was pretty ill when he was in his 60s (although obviously didn’t show it to us grandkids). 

My dad used to smoke, a lot, and I’ve accepted that the news of cancer in the future is a very really possibility. 

The surprise news of baby no.2 has knocked me for six, but with my friends’ news it’s made me think a little harder about the frailty of life.  I seriously considered aborting this child but I wouldn’t have forgiven myself – Jonny wouldn’t have forgiven me either. Today we also got the results from our nuchal screening through and baby is low risk for Downs, Edwards and Patau sydrome. Baby is well and I’m accepting this news.  I take life and health for granted as so far, my immediate family is all really well.

Don’t take life for granted.  Grab it by the balls.

I am unhappy

There.  I said it.  Unhappy.

I’m sure I’m not overreacting in the reasons why I’m unhappy.  My friends agree with me that I shouldn’t stand for it, yet he makes me feel it’s all my fault.

When Theodore was born I said that I didn’t mind if he goes out to the pub or whatever in an evening – as long as Theodore is in bed.  Unless it’s for a specific occasion like a birthday or seeing someone he rarely sees.

Last night he’s out with my sister’s boyfriend.  He went home at 8.15 and hubby was supposed to come home then too (he said he would).  but he didn’t.  and didn’t tell me.  he eventually turned up at midnight.  after I’d had over 90 mins of hell with Theodore as he’s struggling to readjust to UK time.  Also turned out he had left Theodore in just a vest rather than pyjamas so the boy woke up freezing cold.

He’s now been mad all day and it’s all my fault as I’m apparently ruining our marriage.

And then he wanted to go out at 5pm to see my sisters boyfriend again.  So I got mad as he would be out over tea time, bath time and bed time.  Our original agreement.  And that I do ALL of that by myself every single day of the week.

He got shitty cos I got mad.  He’s now waited until Theodore is in bed until going out and decided to tell me as  he left that everything is my fault and I’m ruining it.  oh, and he might come home tonight or he might crash somewhere else.

He’s out most weekends (at least one evening), and every Thursday.

Regularly at weekends he comes home at 1am or later, drunk, meaning he can’t help with Theodore.  the only time he helps at night is on weekends.

He then doesn’t get up early to help with Theodore in a morning.  he will just get up at 10am or whatever.  Despite the fact I’ll have been battling morning sickness whilst getting Theodore breakfast and feeding the cat.

I’m sick of having to wake him up in the morning when he’s just started a new job and is the only money coming into our household – especially when  I don’t know if I will be going back to work between maternity leaves.

He blames me for not wanting to do anything sexual but I ONLY feel like his mother – cooking, cleaning, getting him up in the morning.  How am I supposed to be attracted to him when he treats me like this?!

I don’t want him to come home.  Maybe he should stay out and evaluate what he wants from a wife.

Who knows – maybe I’ll be a single mum of 2 babies under 15 months soon.

Baby no.2

I had my scan on Wednesday and discovered I was 13w+6, much to my surprise.

So baby 2 is due 1 June 2017. 

I still haven’t come to terms with it as it was such a surprise and I don’t know how I will cope.  But I’ll need to.

I’m a little worried about telling family this time around.  Especially as my sister is expecting her first in February.  I’m worried she will feel like I am stealing her thunder.  she was also going to borrow a lot of our stuff which might not be possible now.  

Cold Feet

I’m only just getting round to catching up with the new series of Cold Feet.  I enjoyed it when it was first on, but now I seem to really understand it – as well as enjoy it.

One thing that really resonates is the strength of the friendships.  I’m so lucky to have guy and girl friends that I’ve known for years and can be brutally honest.

Lookig forward though, I hope Theodore can be friends with my friends and see them as parent-figures if Jonny or I am not around.  Just like Adam’s son in Cold Feet.

Oh shit.

I took a test.  It was positive.  Theodore is only 7 & 1/2 months old.

We wanted kids close together but not this close.

Our plans for getting a bigger home are completely screwed.  We will need to buy a 3 bedroom home and compromise a lot. 

I don’t know how it will work with returning to work.  I was due to go back in March and I think this baby will be due in June.

I don’t think I can be that far… maybe a month as my cycles were always longer than usual. 

We will have a 15 month gap.

Two babies under two. 

How will I cope?! 

Do i regret this?

Being a mum is hard.  I knew it would be hard but I had no idea how hard.

I love my son with all my heart, but I think that I, and my marriage, would be healthier without him.

Does that make me a bad mum?

I’m increasingly worried that how I feel isn’t right.  I don’t know if it’s just stress due to a number of factors, in combination with sleep deprivation or if it is something else that I need to see a doctor about.

Approaching 6 months

It’s been a while since my last post.  The whole ‘being a mum’ thing tends to get in the way.

Since my last post we’ve had a lot of firsts.

We have Theodore’s passport for when we travel to the US to see family.

He was baptised which was lovely – Theodore’s grandpa is a Deacon and he was able to do the baptising. We followed this with a little celebration at the pub that hubby and I met.

My sister has ‘gone public’ with her pregnancy.

A close family friend, who is basically my brother, has gone public with his pregnancy (obviously he’s not the one carrying the baby, but he will be a daddy).

Theodore rolled… though I was in the shower and only daddy saw it. 

WE HAVE TEETH! Yes.  2 whole teeth made their appearance in one night.  We were wondering why the boy was unsettled and then they appeared.  He really is so easy.  No screaming, just couldn’t sleep and cried a bit and wanted mummy lots .

And he turns 6 months in a matter of days.  Where did that time go? I knew it would fly but I had no idea it would go that quickly.