Life’s too short

A close friend of mine has just found out her dad has cancer.  She is a fair bit younger than me, and her dad is a lot younger than mine.

It’s really made me realise how short life is and how much I need to appreciate it. Both of my parents are in their 60s. My grandad was pretty ill when he was in his 60s (although obviously didn’t show it to us grandkids). 

My dad used to smoke, a lot, and I’ve accepted that the news of cancer in the future is a very really possibility. 

The surprise news of baby no.2 has knocked me for six, but with my friends’ news it’s made me think a little harder about the frailty of life.  I seriously considered aborting this child but I wouldn’t have forgiven myself – Jonny wouldn’t have forgiven me either. Today we also got the results from our nuchal screening through and baby is low risk for Downs, Edwards and Patau sydrome. Baby is well and I’m accepting this news.  I take life and health for granted as so far, my immediate family is all really well.

Don’t take life for granted.  Grab it by the balls.

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Approaching 6 months

It’s been a while since my last post.  The whole ‘being a mum’ thing tends to get in the way.

Since my last post we’ve had a lot of firsts.

We have Theodore’s passport for when we travel to the US to see family.

He was baptised which was lovely – Theodore’s grandpa is a Deacon and he was able to do the baptising. We followed this with a little celebration at the pub that hubby and I met.

My sister has ‘gone public’ with her pregnancy.

A close family friend, who is basically my brother, has gone public with his pregnancy (obviously he’s not the one carrying the baby, but he will be a daddy).

Theodore rolled… though I was in the shower and only daddy saw it. 

WE HAVE TEETH! Yes.  2 whole teeth made their appearance in one night.  We were wondering why the boy was unsettled and then they appeared.  He really is so easy.  No screaming, just couldn’t sleep and cried a bit and wanted mummy lots .

And he turns 6 months in a matter of days.  Where did that time go? I knew it would fly but I had no idea it would go that quickly.

The post-baby body

I’m still having trouble accepting my post-baby body.  I think because I was always so tiny and my weight never fluctuated that I took for granted that I knew what size I was in clothing and I looked ok in them.

Pros 

  • I’m wearing stuff I haven’t worn before as previously they were a little too big
  • My body now wears battle wounds from giving birth to my boy

Cons

  • The majority of my clothes do not fit me
  • I’m on maternity leave and don’t have money to buy new clothes
  • My body confidence is at an all-time low

I suppose 4 and a half months isn’t long to adjust to a new body after years of having a body that didn’t change.

Mum-araderie

Yesterday I experienced mum-araderie for the first time.

I’d had a few really tough days with Theodore for no reason that I can put my fingers on.  He was just unsettled and crying.  Probably a combination of hungry and gassy.

I posted on facebook about it and got to experience mum-araderie in all its glory.  Mums who have been there, struggled, and got through it.
Mums who let you know that you are normal.
Mums with words of encouragement.
Mums with offer of babysitting to give me some time away from Theodore.

Great mums with great words to selflessly help me out of my funk.

Mum-araderie is definitely one of the best things about being a mum. 

One year on.

A year ago today I did my first pregnancy test and it was positive. 11 months into trying for a baby.

But that little bean didn’t stick around.  It said  bye bye at just over 5 weeks.

Today that little lost bean has been on my mind a lot.  I can remember as clear as day the feeling of taking that test, seeing it say positive and working my way down the stairs to tell hubby the news whilst he was setting up his new TV.  I can remember the look on his face when the news started to sink in, and the tears that started falling.
I remember we sat on the sofa for quite a while just digesting the news.  We were pregnant and we’re going to be parents.

I remember not being able to eat the dinner I had made (minced pork hotpot).

What saddens me is that I can’t remember so clearly the test I did when I fell pregnant with Theodore.

I’m glad I have him here and have been distracted with him today (8 week injections) otherwise today would have been a very sad day.  Hubby doesn’t seem to have any recollection of the importance of today even when I told him his TV is 1 today.

Baby blues

For some reason I feel the need to write a blog post about my baby blues.

Mine were short lived (so far) but I felt really down and out.
Recovering from forceps and episiotomy definitely made it worse for me.
Hormone levels changing, as well as a sense of uselessness were a sure fire route to the baby blues.

I have never felt so tired, sad, tearful and fearful in my life.
I didn’t want to touch/hold my baby boy – just the thought of it saddened me.

Today I feel I’ve turned a corner and actually WANT to be with him (even if it’s difficult/painful).

Hubby could also see what I’ve been like as he popped out to the shop…. and wanted to see how I would cope for an hour.  So even he could see how I’d been feeling (and not coping).

I can only imagine what it must be like to have a mini human relying on you when you have post-natal depression.

Overdue baby blues 40+4

Is overdue baby blues a ‘thing’? If not, it should be.

The last 2 days have been ridiculously hard.  The whole way through pregnancy I’ve worked hard to keep my chin up – everything was always fine.
Now I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks.  I just want to sit and cry. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this uncomfortable in my life and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Perhaps that’s why.  I admit I’m somewhat of a control freak – I plan and organise.  I’m always early (or at the very least, on time).
So maybe my current blues is my brains way of having a strop that things aren’t going my way and perhaps I need to relax into it a bit.

I’m hoping that by doing some baking today I’ll relax and stop my brain from doing silly things.  At most, I’m 3 days away from meeting my baby (unless the hospital suddenly gets overrun by women in labour).  The end is in sight.

New Year’s Eve (32w+1)

On the eve of the year I will (hopefully) become a parent, I felt it apt to summarise my year.

2015 started with hubby and I trying to conceive.  We were 7 months in, without a hint of success.
But we were thinking positive.

The next milestone was mum’s 60th birthday party that we had organised.  It was a blinding success even if I do say so myself.  We all had a blast.

The next milestone was 26 April.  Our first positive pregnancy test, a day before our 2nd wedding anniversary. The next day we went to Whipsnade Zoo for our wedding anniversary.  At this point we were happy to be celebrating both our wedding anniversary and baby.  It had taken us 11 months to get here.

Then we hit 7 May.  Election Day and the day our world fell apart.  We had an early miscarriage.
I don’t remember ever feeling so low.  It took a long while for us to come out of that low.
But we came out the other side stronger.

Then comes 20 June.  And I can’t quite believe my eyes.  We have another positive.

I tested every couple of days for a while.  I think I tested every Wednesday and Saturday until we got to at least 6 weeks.

At 8 weeks we booked to go for an early scan.  We heard our croissant’s heartbeat and saw something in my belly.  It was such a ‘pinch me’ moment.  It was the first time I saw hubby cry.
For us I think it was just the realisation that I could carry… at least for a few weeks.
It still seemed too good to be true.

We told our families the following day.  I don’t think they could believe it.

Going to our 12 week scan was the scariest.  We didn’t want this to be taken from us.  I was still paranoid that I couldn’t carry.

At 16 weeks I had a freak out.  Still my brain was telling me I couldn’t carry.  I was waiting for it all to go wrong but my midwife found the heartbeat.  Instant relief.

20 weeks was our anomaly scan – finally this thing in my belly is looking like a baby.  Woah… this was actually happening.

At 20w+3 we felt baby.  Recognisable kicks from the outside.  The most amazing thing I’ve ever felt.  I was addicted from that moment.

And here we are at 32w+2.  About to enter the year we’ll become parents.  About to hit baby no.1’s due date.

2015 was tough but amazing at the same time.  I am definitely stronger.
I’m sure 2016 will be just as tough but all the more amazing.

Bring on February so I can meet my baby.  The baby I’ve been carrying and preparing for life.

14w+5

So 14 weeks.  I think I may be starting to show which could be interesting as I still haven’t told anyone at work (except my manager) and some of my closest friends still don’t know.  This is a problem as I’ve always been skinny.. It may give me away before I tell them.

I’m starting to reach the paranoid stage again… I need some renewed evidence that baby is hanging on in my belly.  I need to see or hear it.  Luckily I have 8 days to wait (and I will be counting them off).

I’ve had a lot of backache and cramping recently which I guess is right as these next few weeks are crazy busy for baby to be growing and moving around.

I’m kind of glad I took Shaan’s advice about not buying a doppler.  I know i would be using it every day and being paranoid if I couldn’t find baby’s heartbeat (and I’m paranoid enough).

Believe it or not I am starting to relax into it a bit more.  I’m letting myself plan what I would like in baby’s nursery (not buying it yet but have an idea of what we want) and I’m allowing myself to look at maternity and baby clothes.

Give me a sign that you’re still in there, healthy and growing, baby…

Family struggles

So today I had a crappy day but still went out to a friends birthday.
Driving home I tell hubby I don’t feel well – normally I would have been asleep for 3 hours at this time so I’m shattered as well as feeling nauseous.

He decides this is a good time to start an argument about why I don’t agree with him going off camping with his friends for a week when baby is here.

This then somehow led to him arguing we have nothing in common.

And then him deciding he’s been feeling neglected.  Despite the fact that I’m the one doing the vast majority of stuff in this house whilst feeling like shit and hes heading off camping with his friends despite me feeling vulnerable.

I raised this with him previously but he just doesn’t get it.  He wanted to go. So he will.

Is this going to be a bandaid baby, or will it make him grow up enough to realise he can’t disappear with his friends for a week ‘just cos’ when he has a kid (although having a wife, house and cat has never stopped him before).

I feel like I should be crying but I’m not as I don’t feel I’m in the wrong.

My parents had very little common interests but they always seem like the happiest couple.  Opposites  attract.
Apparently hubby wants me to be attached to him with the same interests (although that would drive us both nuts).

Whatever.  I hope for him it was the alcohol speaking and he’ll realise how selfish he’s been in the morning. Probably not. He’s as stubborn as an ass.