33w and a due date

Today we hit 33 weeks.  It also feels like I’ve hit a wall.  I do not want to be going to work.

Perhaps that’s due to a number of things and not just pregnancy.

Today would have been my grandad’s birthday.  He would have loved to be involved in becoming a great-grandad. It’s sad that he’s just one of many who would have been enjoying this moment with us but he’s not.

And then I come to the main reason why I’m more than a bit tearful today (and want to lock myself away from everyone).  Today was baby no.1’s due date.  6 January. And I don’t quite know how to be today.  I’m sad at the life that never got to be, but I should also be taking this moment to be thankful for the baby growing in my belly that has gotten to 33 weeks.

I’m sure today will be a rollercoaster of emotions.  Let’s hope the baby in my belly gives me lots of kicks and rolls of reassurance to get me through the day in one piece.

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30w+6 – angry hormonal wreck

You read that pregnancy will turn you into a hormonal wreck.  What I’ve found is that my anger is limitless.  I used to be relatively calm – it would take a heck of a lot to take me over the edge.

But now.
Oh it doesn’t take a lot.  And it simmers for ages after too.

Today I was SO angry at work (I’m supposed to be a specialist and in theory, be listened to) but my Head of Service has decided to 100% dictate what can and cannot be done/changed meaning that I am just a Yes monkey to her.
I have no influence and there’s no trust that I might know what I’m on about.

So I started crying.  Beyond angry to where I just had to walk away from my laptop.  Luckily I’m at home so able to have some space but if I’d been in the office I would have made a fool of myself.  90 mins on and I’m still absolutely raging.  Things like this make me wonder if I even want to come back to this employment after maternity leave.

Why should I allow a job to make me feel this angry?!

Crazy pregnancy hormones with probably a hint of justification.

29w+1 – the countdown

I’ve been putting off counting exactly how long I have left at work, simply because my maternity cover hadn’t been organised and it just hadn’t felt very real (we’re still in 2015, baby arrives in 2016).

But as yesterday I found out I have maternity cover and its someone already employed so I can start training them up, its started seeming a bit more real.

Days left until maternity leave: 26
Days in the office: 17
Day of annual leave remaining: 2

All seems very real with those numbers now.  I can’t wait.  I’m tired and just want to be able to relax.

So lucky with my midwife (27w+6)

I know midwives and the NHS in general sometimes get a bit of a rough reputation but i’ve got to say, I’m super impressed with mine.

Sure she’s always late for appointments however, I ALWAYS see her, so even if she can’t remember my due date or whatever, I am building up a relationship with her and for a first time mum, that’s important.

She always takes the time to answer my questions and explains her responses fully. 

And I think she remembers I can be a bit anxious as she always goes out of her way to state I can see her either at the scheduled times, or any other times if I would prefer.

I realise I am very lucky but just wanted to put my thoughts out there.  I love the NHS.

Ready to meet bump – 26w+3

I am so ready to meet the baby behind my bump.

Until now I’ve felt really disconnected but ive felt more movement in the past few days, making it all feel a lot more real.

We also planned out baby’s room so we know where everything will go, and I can’t wait to see it all together.

This is the first time I’ve felt a bond.  And it excites me.

I’m so sure it’s a boy (for no real reason).  I want to know.. But I know I want the excitement of finding out when baby is born.

I want hubby to be able to share the news.  “It’s a XXX!”.

I’m just so excited.  I can’t wait to meet you baby.

Screw you heartburn!

So hitting week 26 is super exciting.  The its the start of a proper countdown – 10 weeks and I’ll be on annual leave proceeding my maternity leave.  70 days.

Just gonna let that sink in a bit.

14 weeks til baby is full term.  98 days.

Holy moly.

To celebrate this momentous occasion my body is celebrating with lots and lots of heartburn.
I woke up in the middle of the night with it, and I now have it, at work, being aggravated by drinking water.  So I’m between a rock and a hard place.  If I choose to stay hydrated I’ll be doing battle with heartburn all day.

Fun times.

Still, it goes with the territory.  It’s one of the few pregnancy symptoms I have (I must be one of the lucky ones) .

Addicted to kicks

I posted on twitter the other week about being addicted to baby kicks, I was getting a few a day.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I get some really active bouts of movements.  I’m really not sure about counting kicks… I’ve read conflicting things – is it how many sessions a day, or how many kicks within one session?

Either way baby has a routine that seems to involve kicking/punching around meal times.  Do I have a hungry baby already? That doesn’t bode well for when baby makes its grand appearance.

I’m working from home and once again my day is being broken up by being distracted by baby kicking.  I can’t help but stop what I’m doing and feel the kicks.  At least it gives my eyes a break from the screen.

In other news, today I saw on Facebook that an acquaintance has had their baby.  But it was posted by someone else (…I’m assuming a family member).

I’m now a bit worried about this.  Do I need to prep my family not to say anything, or should I hope they have the good grace to let hubby and I make our own announcement?

21w+1

Oh wow..  Baby kicks are weird.  Only in the last week have I been feeling anything due to my anterior placenta. I think I’m quite lucky actually that I’m feeling kicks/hiccups this early as I’m so tiny.

Sitting at home working away and baby is kicking up a storm so I stop what I’m doing and stare at my stomach… As I feel a kick, my whole stomach moves!
This is the weirdest, freakiest, coolest thing I’ve ever felt/seen in my entire life.

Needless to say I’m not going to want to do any work for the rest of the day whenever baby is kicking.

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19w+1 anxiety

So it appears, I now suffer from anxiety/panic attacks.  Before I was pregnant I’d never had one before.

I had a pain in my chest a few weeks ago and I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing it.  So I ignored it.  It went away eventually.

Today its back with a vengeance.  I know I’ve had a busy week but really, chest pains?

I think it all stems from the pregnancy dreams.  They’re more vivid and usually more frightening.  I have a paranoia about something going wrong so a bad dream just intensifies it and voila, anxiety.

I don’t want to see my midwife.  I saw her before when there was nothing wrong and I don’t want to waste her time again.  I’ve identified what it is.  I just need to develop some coping mechanisms.