5w+2

So. We made it.

But apparently hitting this date is playing on both our minds.

I’m totally paranoid every time I go to the toilet and am desperate to take another test just to prove baby is hanging on. I’m going to hold out until Saturday with a digi. So worried it’s going to say ‘not pregnant’ which is how I found out that we had lost our first baby.

Hubby also woke up super quick this morning asking if I was OK – for some reason it was in his head that I was curled over (and he thought I was in pain and losing baby), when all I was doing was fussing our kitty.

I’ll be glad when we can go to an early scan. I think if I hear a heartbeat I will relax a little more.

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Hayfever

So I know that pollen levels in the UK have been high or very high for about 2 weeks but man, this stuff is making me feel rough.

I’m hoping that half of it is baby and half is hayfever to try and make it feel more ‘worth it’.

Putting Vaseline up my nose isn’t very attractive but its one of a few things that seem to help.

My doctor said I couldn’t take anything at all. I know there’s obviously not been much testing done on the use of antihistamines and pregnancy but this is just ridiculous. I don’t want to take pills unless I absolutely have to. I worked through my headaches without taking paracetamol last week but if this carries on I’m going to have to do something.

I think it’s just awful this morning as its raining, so all the pollen is coming down to earth.  Hopefully later, when it stops, my hayfever will lessen.  I’m going to struggle to go to a BBQ later today if this carries on!

So for now, Optrex eye bath, contact lens eye drops and Vaseline are my only hope of feeling somewhat normal today.

Stupid hayfever.

Landmark

I have reached 5 weeks. Last time we got to 5w+2 but I had a negative clear blue at 5w+1.

I did a test this morning and the test line is darker than the control line. I think I’m starting to relax a bit. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to get past the 5 week mark but the dark test has allayed my fears over that.

Whatever will be, will be. I’m doing all the right things so if baby decides not to stick around it is because it wasn’t very well.

I have another busy weekend and need to wear clothes that don’t show my bloat. My mum always comments on my weight as I had a time as a teenager of being effectively anorexic so she always wants to see me putting on weight. 

Jurassic World

Hubby and I had a date afternoon yesterday. We went to McDonalds for lunch, followed by a trip to the cinema go see Jurassic World at IMax. I’m trying to keep my brain preoccupied so that I’m not paranoid about miscarrying again.

Jurassic World was brilliant. I’ve loved dinosaurs since I was a kid so I’m always fascinated by any new movies.
I found it actually pretty scary.  By scary I mean could-actually-happen scary.  I can see some rich business owner decide that Alton Towers doesn’t cut it anymore and need to go one step further.  I understand the re-creation of the Diplodocus’ and Stegosaurus’ but why would you ever bring back a TRex – we know they were deadly? And I shan’t say anything about the other dinosaur as that’s a massive movie spoiler.

It’s just too scary to think what we can do with genetics and what we might be able to do in the relatively near future. Jurassic World IS a  possibility.

For the time being I shall continue to refer to Stegosaurus’ as Steggys… Until they become real again.

What a lovely few days

Hubby’s grandparents arrived from the US on Tuesday evening.  He hasn’t seen them properly (apart from brief business trips to the US) for 6 years. They’ve changed a lot… I suppose that will happen as 6 years is a long time.

Yesterday we had then all over for dinner which was wonderful, although I was shattered as I’d been on the go from 6.30am to get ready for it.

Today we have my father-in-law’s ordination ceremony so that’ll be interesting.

I’m always fascinated by Catholic ceremonies as I was brought up CofE but now take the stance that I don’t believe in anything.

After the ceremony we have a sort of reception. I think a lot of it will be spent with Jonny’s grandparents as they won’t know that many people. Will be looking after them which I don’t mind. They’re the only grandparents that Jonny and I have left.

Something else entirely that I’m supremely proud of – my little sister has been told her house will be ready to move into at the end of the month.  This is crazy as she’s never lived away from home. But I’m so proud of her. She’s worked so hard and I can’t wait to go and see her in her own house 🙂 she’s so special to me and its only been in the last few years that our sisterly relationship has gone to the next level. I’m so protective of her.

This week has made me realise we need to work harder to get to the US more. Finishing uni, buying a house, our wedding and other people’s weddings have meant that we haven’t had the money to get there. It’ll be a while longer too though as I just got my bfp this morning. Just one month after losing 1st baby, we’re on the crazy journey again. Let’s see if we’re more successful this time…

Books!

Books were my first love.

As a child our family holidays were always in Cornwall, always in Perranporth as a close family friend lived there (…basically a non-blood grandmother).  The majority of my most vivid memories of being in Perranporth, are about going to the book shop that was right next to the beautiful beach and buying books.  Most of the time, they were Enid Blyton books.  Big books with 4/5 of the Famous Five books in them and I would pretty much finish them on holiday.  And I would re-read all of them.

I think near enough every birthday and Christmas, I’ve received at least one book (that I requested!).

I love to open a book and be whisked away to my imagination.  I love to read a book, see the movie and pick out what they’ve missed.

Books are still my first love.  I have filled my Ikea bookshelf and some are having to be relegated to a box in the loft as I simply don’t have the space for them.  And I refuse to throw them out.  Never.  Even though I have a kindle and I’ve heard the suggestion that I don’t need books if I have that.

I love my kindle, I do.  And it was a god-send on the train to London each day as it meant I could read any book and didn’t have to lug it around each day or wreck it in my bag.  I must confess- since working closer to home and driving each day, I’ve only used my kindle on holiday.

I joined a book club near to home as I found myself not necessarily reading the same old thing, but I know what i like and I stick with it.  To a certain extent, I’m not daring at all, unless someone recommends the book.

Book club has been great .  I’ve met a number of new people and I think friendships are developing, which is always nice.  It gives me a chance to get out one night a month AND most importantly, I’m reading things I never would have chosen myself.

So far we’ve read:

Sister

The Throwback

Chocolate cake with Hitler

The Miniaturist

Sisters of Mia

My favourite was Sister, I guess because I could relate to it.  So that I don’t give the story away to anyway who may be reading this, Sister is a book about the main character whose sister dies.  She was told that it was suicide but the main character doesn’t believe this – her sister wouldn’t kill herself and the story unfolds.  It just struck me that if my sister died I would go to the end of the earth for answers.

The Throwback wasn’t great.  It was a comedy and written in the 1980’s and I think ti was of it’s time – the front cover is very reminiscent of Spitting Image and none of the characters were relate-able.

Chocolate Cake with Hitler – this was an interesting one.  It’s a story based on what is known about Hitler’s bunker.  It was told from a child’s perspective.  It was also very timely due to the various anniversaries for the WW that it’s in everyone’s mind.  Some in the group didnt like it because it was a story, based on some fact but I felt it was a good way of introducing the bunker and what happened – it opened the doors to you wanting to find out more.

The Miniaturist was also really good. It was hard to get into, and the ending wasn’t really what I thought it would be but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I’m currently reading Sisters of Mia.  It’s apparently sci-fi which isn’t a genre I like to read.  From what I’ve read so far, it’s not great but I’ve just found out that the person who suggested the book is actually related to the author and I believe it’s his first book.  Book club in a few weeks time could be very interesting…

The weekend

Today is a super sad day. I don’t have any particular reason but I just want to cry.
Perhaps its a combination of a number of things.

I’m paranoid its not our month. The excitement and anticipation has gone, only to be replaced with sadness.
My temps have been doing some weird things – spike then drop to cover line at 7dpo. I just don’t understand what my body is doing.
AF is due next weekend which is when I’ve got a lot of family stuff on. I think it may be a struggle.

I’m getting more frustrated as it goes on. I’ve stopped going on TTC forums – all I see is people trying for their 2nd, 3rd or 4th child complaining that they’re having trouble falling pregnant again (despite only trying for a couple of months).  All it does is make me angry so I’m staying away. I don’t need them. I know my next steps.

Today I think I shall cry. I have the house to myself later so I may sit on the sofa and cry with my cat.

The first 2ww

This is a strange and unexpected feeling in the 2ww.

Excitement and anticipation.

I thought this time I would be filled with dread and sadness but I’m not.  I think the fact that I was able to fall pregnant (admittedly not stay pregnant, but still!) it’s released a lot of the stress and worry from me.

Now I’m not looking forward to 13dpo as I think I may lose my head, but the 2ww is much more manageable now.

I know that my body knows what to do and I can trust it to do it.  It’s the next part I’m not convinced about yet.

I’m in 2 minds as to whether or not I should book a doctors appointment for 2 weeks time.   I think it might be useful, even if we are lucky and fall pregnant, as it will give me a chance to talk to someone about my worries and even hopefully they’ll help with monitoring which will definitely help me.  I’m the kind of person who needs all the information available to them to feel comfortable.

If we don’t get lucky then at least we have an appointment after a year to talk to the doctor about the next steps.  I’m sure they won’t be much help yet as I’ve fallen pregnant once within the year which technically means there’s not really a problem.

I also think that if we’re not lucky, I’ll keep putting off the appointment in the hope that the next month is more successful. I think I just need to book it.

To be honest, I’ll probably be lucky to get an appointment on my choice of day anyway

1 year

Today is our anniversary of me coming off the pill.  I wish there was more to celebrate.

Instead we get ovulation day and now I’m dreading the rest of the 2ww. 

I am definitely more in tune with my body now but I just don’t know how I will feel if I’m not pregnant at the end of it.

Just to compound matters, celeb news is awash with the info about Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy.  Her well-publicised and apparently long journey to baby no.2 despite already having a child.  I could’ve done without that news today